traveling with kids from the tough places...

We *needed* a vacation...



We haven't been away from home together, as a family, since Jason opened the shop. Not since we bought the shop - but even before that - when he was hired to open the shop for its previous owner. Needless to say - it's been TOO long.


We spent A LOT of time talking about the trip. Talking about what we would do, what we wouldn't do, what we'd see, hear, eat... We were all excited.


Then we hit one of those unexpected little snags. We got stuck.


The blizzard that hit the east coast tossed a little wrench into our well-laid plans. We ended up having to stay in NYC for 6 more days. That meant 6 days that I hadn't planned for, 6 days of flying by the seat of my pants, 6 days of over stimulation, 6 days of freezing cold weather that we hadn't planned on being in, 6 days of uncertainty...


For Jason, Grace, and I it was a grand adventure (or at least the posibility of a grand adventure). For Ava it was too much...


We did end up having a great time - sometimes Jason and I tag-teaming with one of us staying behind at the hotel with Ava while the other went out and explored with Grace. The last few days were very difficult for Ava. As a family though, I was quite proud of how we were able to help Ava deal with the changes BUT still do the things we wanted to do.


A few pictures from the trip...









Spa day at American Girl.









Here you can see Molly getting her super cute fishtail french braid.








Jason's 1st subway experience - and I'm proud to announce that it went off without a hitch. Grace had the cell phone at the ready to dial 911 if it proved to be too traumatic for him - but he handled it like a trooper. In fact, he was amazing for the entire trip. Never complaining about the people, the crowds, nothing... By about the 3rd day he was taking the girls out and about by himself. Secretly, I think he actually enjoyed being there.






Grace's 10th birthday dream come true!



And yes, it was worth every penny we spent, every minute we had to walk to get there in the freezing cold blizzardy snow. Their tiramisu was absolutely divine...

We lived on pastries for 2 days after visiting the bakery.




This was the pile of snow that the doormen had shoveled from the sidewalk in front of our hotel...

When we went to Central Park the morning after the snowfall more than 20 inches had fallen... I still can't believe how much snow fell in such a short period of time. Amazing.






More pictures to come - and maybe a day-by-day review of the trip. It really was a great get-away.

World AIDS Day (December 1st)

Yesterday in COSTCO I was shopping with my mom and Grace and I was THRILLED to find the most recent copy of PEOPLE magazine that featured Carolyn and Kiel Twietmayer (if you look at posts during my time in Ethiopia you will see what a lifesaver Carolyn was to ME!) and their family. I was showing my mom the pictures, sharing the bits and pieces I know about them and my mom asked why they were in the magazine.

I told her they were featured in the magazine to draw attention to HIV adoptions.

If you know me, you know that I'm not the lady who lowers her voice to avoid the topics that are less than sunshine and roses...A passerby heard my comment and said, "That's just disgusting."

Here's the kicker...

I agree with her 100%...

It IS disgusting that we are sitting back and letting these children die.

It IS disgusting that we have access to amazing medications that allow our children with HIV to live absolutely normal lives - and we refuse to share that wealth with the people who need it most.

It IS disgusting that here in the US, it's 2010, but with regard to our knowledge and understanding of HIV/AIDS - we're stuck in the 80's.

It IS disgusting that our children are afraid to be real, afraid to tell the truth, afraid to show themselves - because so many of them remember the stigma attached to having HIV in Africa...

She was right, sadly, for all the wrong reasons. It is SO disgusting the things we allow to happen to the vulnerable and helpless.

We didn't set out to adopt a child with HIV but I do believe she was brought into our lives because there is something we are all supposed to do together (maybe it has something to do with my big mouth and tendancy to not back down from a challenge?).

We've been a family for 15 months and during that time the easiest of all of our *issues* has been HIV. Other than taking medicine in the morning and at night we forget that it is a part of our lives. It is a NON-issue.

Maybe adopting an HIV+ child isn't something you are ready to do (I do believe each and every one of you are more than capable however.) but there are SO many other things YOU can do to help. Easy things if that's what you have time for. If money is something you are blessed with there are several organizations that will use that gift in the most beneficial ways to help orphans and families dealing with HIV.

Check out Lisa's blog, A Bushel and A Peck, for some easy ways to get involve.

See what Project Hopeful is doing and figure out how you can help. The have some AMAZING programs. One of my favorites is the FIG program. FIG stands for Family in the Gap - this program requires very little of you but the reward is BIGGER than you can even wrap your brain around. Thirty dollars a month (ok - I just spent $30 taking the girls out for a treat) can SAVE the life of a child. Thirty dollars a month will change their world. Another PH program I love is Hope+ Sisterhood. As a woman, and a mother this program resonates within me. I can't imagine having to give up my girls because I wasn't able to care for them because of a (very) treatable disease. I think none of us here in the US could imagine that.

If you're looking to buy Christmas gifts my two favorites are

Because Every Mother Matters has the most amazing headbands (my girls will be sporting them come Christmas morning). The headband for World AIDS Day is an awesome red color - but you can order them in a ton of different colors. Check them out!

The other gift source I adore is Funky Fish Jewelry Designs. Dawn has made some jewelry to raise money for Project Hopeful and her designs are beautiful.

So, my friends, for me it boils down to this... This is not the life I chose. I would have run away screaming if I had my way. Thank goodness I listened to that tiny whisper I had been hearing for a while. Thank goodness I'm not afraid to stand up and say what is true. Thank goodness I was chosen for this job.

If you don't remember, 16 months ago my daughter was a 42 pound and dying from AIDS.

Today she is a 72 pound fire-cracker who is LIVING with undetectable HIV virus, she is playing soccer, going to school, learning the piano, driving me crazy - absolutely, 100% normal 9-year-old girl stuff.

So today, on World AIDS Day, do whatever you can to help those living with HIV - if you can't do anything than at least educate yourself on the facts.

Come on now, let's be fair...

When you were growing up, did your parents go out of their way to make things "fair" between you and your siblings?

If Sally got a new dress did Sue get one as well, "just to be fair?"

Did each of you always have the same number of gifts under the tree regardless of the thought or meaning behind the gifts - only in an effort to remain "fair" to all parties?

My parents didn't (not even a little bit), I quizzed my husband and he said his parents didn't either. Today the girls and I spent the day at Children's Hospital (Ava's bi-monthly appointment) and I had an opportunity to ask some other mom's there the same question.

As an aside, I love how friendly you can become with other families who are on the same appointment (rotation) schedule. Since most of the clinics only see patients one day per week and many of us have to come back every 4-6-8 weeks, you really start to recognize people, it gets easier to start up conversations, it makes the whole experience a little more "human."

So today I used those moms as a kind of sounding board. I asked what they did in their own homes to ensure their children were treated fairly. Here's my super-scientific data...

Of the 6 moms I asked, all 6 laughed immediately after I asked the question.

5 of the 6 clearly did nothing to "ensure" fairness but rather recognized that each of their children were individuals and needed to be treated as such.

1 of the moms did rotate the child who was allowed to sit in the front seat. Each of her children (2 adopted, 3 biological) had 1 day per week assigned to them - and on that day they were the front-seat passenger. They also had to help carry in the groceries, take the cart back to the store, help buckle the other kids in their seats... and if, for whatever reason they missed their assigned day, the made up for it in the next week. The rest of the children were not penalized because of their brother/sister missed their front-seat day. So, after listening to her explanation we both agreed that she was a nice, and fair mommy - but she didn't go "out of her way" to ensure each of her children were treated equally.

I was glad to see she had adopted children. I think it added a bit of credibility to my study :) since this is a blog about adoption and family...

Of the 6 moms I spoke with, 2 of them had adopted children and 1 of them was in the process of adopting her foster daughter who had been living with their family for 4 years. Our children ranged in age from 6-19.

I explained my interest in the topic - pulled up my blog on the Blackberry and let them read for themselves. After everyone finished (and we lost 1 family to their appt time - of course, the ONE TIME the doctors are on time it's when we're deep in conversation) we dove right into what the comment made by "Anonymous" meant to us. In an effort to ensure everyone is on the same page - I'm going to cut/paste Anonymous (in the future this person will be known as "A") comment here so you can read it and refer to it as it is discussed.

(Anonymous)
I think it is important that things are as fair as possible. for the adopted child and the bio child. to not get extra because they are either or. I would think if anything making the adopted child not feel as important is also a bad and painful confusing thing. one should not get extra treatment just because this is his or her situation. I can only imagine what it must have felt like to have to go to bed early while a sibling cuddled on the couch and got to watch a movie.. the guilt of leaving the bio child in the dust may just turn into leaving the adopted one in the dust out of guilt. BALANCE needs to happen... not guilt parenting. bio is still a child and can manipulate and add guilt. at some point saying to them all the years i have poured into you are still reality.. but with that reality comes the reality for this adopted one we prayed over and moved mountains to bring home, they now need me to be that for them.. and you to be that for them and we need to start off on a firm foundation of love. so im sorry you feel invisible you are not, and lets the 3 of us snuggle. this post and the past few paints a picture of slowly moving ava out so that grace can be the focus and life can go back to what it was as much as possible before ava came home. stop and look through avas eyes. how grace has felt is now how ava feels, that she will never measure up or have the mom that grace has.

Let's begin at my very favorite place - the beginning...

A's first sentence was, "I think it is important that things are as fair as possible."
If I spent any amount of time really worrying or thinking about how to "make" things fair - it would be all consuming...  How can you make fair the fact that my daughter had to watch both of her first parents die? That she has a disease that could take her life, that she worries about her living sisters and brothers every day... What exactly would I do to "fair" that? On the other hand how do I make fair the fact that people practically ignore Grace now? It's as if they stopped seeing her the minute they were introduced to the sweet little Ethiopian orphan... How do I make fair the fact that Grace had to give up some activities that she LOVED because her dad and I have to pay an extra $500/month for insurance + $400 for medications not covered by insurance + the $500/month for two visits to the therapist so we can all figure out how to deal with these life changes... If "A" could come up with some ways I could "fair" that - I'd love to hear them... because really, I'm stumped.

His/her 2nd comment was, "I would think if anything making the adopted child not feel as important is also a bad and painful confusing thing. one should not get extra treatment just because this is his or her situation. I can only imagine what it must have felt like to have to go to bed early while a sibling cuddled on the couch and got to watch a movie.. "

Quite interested to hear what it was that I did to make Ava feel "not as important." Was it sending her to a private school because she wanted nothing more than to GO to school rather than be homeschooled?  She mentioned that neither child should get special treatment because of his or her situation... What situation is it that we're talking about? Being birthed by me or adopted by me? Or being a student out of the home vs. a student in the home? There really is no "special" treatment - just the fact that one child HAS to get up early and NEEDS more sleep than the other child. I guess I don't see that as special treatment but rather as a fact of life that required a few adjustments. Again, if anyone has suggestions about what might work better - I'd love to hear them.

Here's a funny thing though... Ava doesn't care less about going to bed early. She'd be fine if we sent her to bed at 5pm - as long as Grace goes too... One night Grace had to get out of bed and re-do the dishes that were her job that night and Ava threw the biggest fit about having to stay in bed and not being able to wash dishes... The other interesting thing - Ava wouldn't, for any amount of money in the world, "snuggle on the couch" with any of us - to make her do something like that would be torturous to her. Sad - but so very true. She wasn't angry that Grace and I were on the couch watching a movie - she was angry that Grace didn't have to go to bed early just because she did.

(It's a lot about control - but we can get to that later)

So far all of the other parents (ALL of them - those with adopted children and those with only bio kids) agree 100% with what I do with the girls. Each of them would do the same thing... A wise friend of mine made a comment to me when we were contemplating putting Ava in school. She said, "different things for different kids at different times." It pretty much sums up my philosophy right now - what Ava needs at this moment is not what Grace needs - and we deal with it accordingly.


The next comment - and really, for someone who chooses to remain anonymous (and I believe a relative stranger to our lives) it's quite judgmental... Not having all of the information on what life is like here in the Murphy household... but - perhaps "A" is someone we do know and they are just to ashamed to say these things to me directly. Either way - I'll clear up a few of the assumptions and address the comment.

the guilt of leaving the bio child in the dust may just turn into leaving the adopted one in the dust out of guilt. BALANCE needs to happen... not guilt parenting. bio is still a child and can manipulate and add guilt. at some point saying to them all the years i have poured into you are still reality.. but with that reality comes the reality for this adopted one we prayed over and moved mountains to bring home, they now need me to be that for them.. and you to be that for them and we need to start off on a firm foundation of love. so im sorry you feel invisible you are not, and lets the 3 of us snuggle.

The guilt of leaving the bio child in the dust. Rest assured "A" that I have no guilt nor have I left Grace in the dust. When we first brought Ava home I did everything I could to "prove" to her that she was an important part of our family - THAT alone brought guilt - It felt fake and stupid and just plain wrong. I felt guilty that I didn't know "how" to parent Ava... but I have no guilt over parenting Grace - I have a hugely thankful heart that Jason and I had raised her and instilled self-worth and love and value into her sweet little 9-year-old self that she was able to take a step back HERSELF understanding and knowing that her sister needed me (at that moment) more than she did. I have NO guilt about that... If anything, it is the accomplishment I am most proud of. I wonder how many 9-year-olds would be able to do that?

I find it interesting that "A" makes the comment about neither bio or adopted child being treated differently because of their "situations" but then, in the comment above, it appears she's suggesting I tell Grace, "Hey, I've parented you for 9 years and it's been great but now there's your sister and well, she needs me more than you do so step-aside."  Well, the phrase, "No-way" comes to mind. They are both MY NINE YEAR OLD daughters... Both little girls - and just because Ava needs more of me - doesn't get to mean that Grace gets less... not for a single second...

The moms who were still with me in the waiting area were still "with me" on the parenting choices I made. Always nice to know...

And finally, "A" makes some very bizarre comments - comments that lead me to wonder if I have a little spy in my house... How else could a person go from the bits of information I post here to making the statement that I'm trying to "push" Ava out... WOW.

this post and the past few paints a picture of slowly moving ava out so that grace can be the focus and life can go back to what it was as much as possible before ava came home. stop and look through avas eyes. how grace has felt is now how ava feels, that she will never measure up or have the mom that grace has.

I am so curious to learn what it is that I've said or done that indicates I'm slowly moving Ava out...  Grace is the focus of my life - as is her sister Ava... Both are my children - both have different stories and I share those stories at different times for different reasons here on this blog. Now, unless "A" is someone who knows what home is like for us right now, this comment was just plain stupid.

I'll be honest and say I'd love for my life to go back to the way it was before. Not "not" having Ava - but the quiet, peaceful days - days when I didn't have to worry that my 9-year-old was going to freak out because she didn't think she should have to wear any of her clothes twice and kick me in the face out of anger (Hey, "A" want to pay for the dentist bill from that one - I have 2 front teeth that needed repair). I'd love to go back to the days when I didn't have to lock up my cleaning supplies or my contact lenses. Several times, when Ava hasn't gotten her way, she's put windex in my contact lens case. I wonder if "A" would like to pay for the multiple, frequent visits to the optometrist and the medications and treatments I've had to endure to save my sight. I'd love going back to a time when I didn't know what it felt like to be punched in the kidneys, bitten, or hit with any and every single thing she could get her hands on to throw.

I'll be honest.

I'd LOVE that...

I wouldn't trade any of this garbage, any of the pain, any of the fear and anxiety and worry... I wouldn't trade having 2 daughters, I wouldn't trade ANY of it for anything...

I'd love to have my quiet, peaceful, relatively painless life back though...

Mr(s). Cellophane

Cellophane

Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there...

Never,

even

know...

I'm there

Lots o'stuff has changed at Casa del Murphy.


The biggest change is that Ava is now attending school. We decided on Whidbey Christian Elementary because of its small size. There are 12 students in the school. Yes, the big 1-2! The two teachers (one is also the principle) are great. They are very open to what Ava needs and have done a great job assessing and evaluating and creating a learning plan that allows her to catch up on the years of schooling she has missed.


Getting up early isn't a *big* problem for Ava but she has had to start going to bed earlier so that she's not exhausted by 2pm. This (necessary) earlier bedtime has caused a few little bumps in our road. Grace is still schooling at home-sweet-home and we don't start school until 9am - which means there isn't a reason for her to change the bedtime schedule. We used to let the girls alternate staying up late one night a week for some 1:1 time with us - but now that Ava has to get up so early it's not really an option for her (we are looking at some other ideas to replace that time).


Ava was having a very challenging day (behaviorally) and she finally told me it was because I wasn't making Grace go to bed at the same time. I figured the conversation would come up sooner or later and I was happy to sit down with her and discuss it. I told her that she wasn't going to bed earlier as a punishment - it was simply because she needed that extra sleep and since she had to wake up earlier it was important that she went to bed earlier. She understood that - and really had no issue with it at all - just the fact that Grace wasn't forced to do the same. I also brought up the point that Grace is just a little bit older. When I was growing up I always had an extra 30 minutes or so after my sister/brothers went to bed. I was the oldest and that was one of the perks. Does it really matter that Grace is only 2 months older?


Ava is angry and because of that she has decided she's not talking to me...


After she went to bed this evening Grace asked if we could watch the first part of The Sound of Music. Since I pretty much LOVE snuggling on the couch and hanging out with her, I jumped at the chance...


Ten minutes passed and Grace asked if she could pause it for a minute because she had something she wanted to say. It always makes me nervous when Grace has an *announcement* - there is never any way of knowing what it's going to be... so I braced for the impact.


Grace: Mom, you know that song from Chicago (musical, not group) about the guy who is invisible?


Me: Yes - The character Amos sings that song because he is tired of feeling invisible - it's actually one of my favorites


Grace: Mommy (should have known there was *something* coming - the change from Mom to Mommy is a giveaway) thanks for not treating me like cellophane.


Me: What do you mean. Using you to cover the leftovers and then wadding you up in a ball and tossing you in the trash? (I hadn't figured out where she was going with this whole thing and I find it's always best to lighten the load with a joke or two)


Grace: No (insert 9-year-old eye rolling). Ever since Ava came home I've been pretty much invisible to everyone. I kind of thought you would be the worst.


Me: ME? The worst? Why the heck would you think that?

Grace: You're a good mom and she needed a mom, a lot so I thought you would spend all of your mom time momming her.


Me: Ok - so are you saying I turned out to be a crappy mom?


Grace: No-OH. I'm saying...

             Well...

              I'm kind of trying to say...

             Ummm

             (she started to get a little teary)

             Thanks mommy. You know, for not forgetting me and for making me still feel important. A lot of people haven't been able to do that. They act like Ava is the Queen of England or something - but she's just a kid but people act like they've never seen a kid before.


Me: It must have been really hard for you to go from having me whenever, wherever, however you wanted. You were (and still are) the center of a lot... 


Grace: I wanted a sister - but it really hurt my feelings when *relative* started falling all over Ava like she was the only person in the room. *Relative* acts like I'm not even there sometimes.


(this relavation brought on the big tears - it was obvious that she'd been thinking about this for a while and wanting to talk about it - but also obvious that it was breaking her little heart)


Grace: *Relative* makes me feel like I had enough of *relative's* time before Ava came home and now it's Ava's turn to get all of the attention. I'm kind of tired of *relative* reminding me that Ava was an orphan, a poor kid living in Ethiopia, that her parents died... Duh, does *relative* think I don't KNOW that? But I didn't make Ava poor, I didn't make her parents die, and I'm just a little girl - just like Ava is... So why are some of the people that I really love treating me like I don't matter as much anymore?


Me: Sweetheart, I think that is one of the best and hardest and saddest questions I've ever been asked. I have no idea how to answer it other than saying I am so sorry that I've treated you that way.


Grace: MO-OH-MM - That's what I just said. YOU didn't... I thought  you would - but you didn't. You don't freak out if I have a bigger piece of cake than Ava or if I chose the radio station two times in a row. *Relative* always says things have to be fair. But it's not fair to treat someone you love differently because there's another kid in the family.


Me: If I was a planet and you were the sun, I'd totally revolve around you... That's how much I love you. But since you're not a planet and I'm not the sun, I'll settle for loving you the best and only way I know how which is the way I've loved  you since the second the doctor put you in my arms. I am not perfect, and maybe sometimes I'm not even good - but being your mom is the most important thing I've ever done. I promise I will always see you - always.


Grace: That was kind of corny... 


Me: It's not like I sang Wind Beneath my Wings or anything... I'm really sorry that you've been hurting. If I could take it away I would. People are weird though. They look at Ava and feel like they have to make up for the bad stuff that's happened... but you and I (and Jason) see Ava and know that we can't do anything to "make up" for her past... Some people don't get that I guess... You know, the best think we can do for all of us is pray. 


Grace: Remember that one time when I told you that you prayed too much and I was worried God would get tired of hearing from you and decide not to listen anymore.


Me: Yes - you told your entire Kindergarten class and asked them to pray FOR me...


Grace: I think maybe it's even worse now. 


Me: Pretty much, yes... I feel like I'm praying almost as much as I breathe but I couldn't get through the day if I did it any other way.


Grace: What do you pray about?

Me: I pray that you always know how much I love you. I pray that I have the wisdom to parent Ava and help her manage the hard stuff she has to deal with. I pray that your dad and I can always do the right thing for both of you...


Grace: I always thought you just knew how to be a good mom. I didn't know you had to pray about that.


Me: Ok, now you're just buttering me up because you want something, aren't you...


Things deteriorated into a pillow fight on the couch and ended with much laughing, a few extra tears, and a mom who was able, for just a second, see inside the heart of her daughter.




For all of my friends who have both biological and adopted children - take a minute today to really connect with those bio kids. When we're in the thick of the process of parenting our adopted children I do believe we (unintentionally) move our bio kids to the warming plate (maybe not the *back* burner - but by default they aren't the neediest kids anymore and because of that they can be overlooked). Just hug them. I'm talking about serious, eye-bugging, bear hugs. 


In an effort to do everything we can for our adopted children, let's make sure we don't forget to do the same for our other children.   

Oohhh... She's so cute!

If only that was what mattered. If "being cute" was the key to a solid, successful, fulfilling life she would have it made. Sadly, this is not the case. In fact, I think hearing that as the initial reaction from most people when they first meet her has been a huge disservice. Sure, she IS cute. Beautiful in fact, but behind the lovely curls and forced smile is a smoldering anger waiting for the opportunity to break free.

Our family is swimming through crisis right now. There is nothing that is easy about adopting an older child. Nothing.

So many people believe that Ava (and other children who are adopted at an older age) should "understand" how much better her life is now - but so few people see just how damaging it is for a child of any age, but I believe especially those who are older, to leave their family, their homes, their language, their friends, food, and country. It might be better from where you and I stand - but Ava has made it clear (every single day) that she is in no way thankful for what we did to her.

She's just so cute Christall, you guys are so lucky!

Every morning I set aside some time to pray and I've noticed there is a common thread among those prayers as of late. I want to know why God thought I could do this. I am certain I never gave any indication that I had the strength or ability to undertake a job this big. Parenting a child from a traumatic background is not easy - even on the "good" days it is still the hardest job in the world. I struggle in my disbelief. I don't know if I parent Ava the way she needs to be parented. All of her anger and fear and grief is directed toward me. She has a very physical anger. I think in part it is because she still doesn't have the words that give justice to the depth of her pain, the range of emotions she is feeling... but you don't need words to hit or kick or bite. Most days I can rest easy knowing that she feels comfortable enough and secure enough with our relationship that she can direct all of this aggression my way - but then there are other days when I don't know if I can take another second of this.

She's such a sweet little girl...

I believe she does have the ability to be sweet and kind and loving... and for the most part she is, with those outside of our family...  More often though she is angry, hateful, hurtful, and manipulative.

You are so blessed...

This is the one comment I can't hear enough. All of the others - well, if I never heard them again it would be too soon! Our family is struggling to find our way right now - trust me, her cute, sweet little face isn't what we're concerned with... but we know each and every single day that we are blessed to be parents to Grace and Ava. I have no idea what the next 5 minutes are going to bring, never mind the next 5 days or 5 years... but I do know I am blessed beyond comprehension - and there are times when that realization is the only thread of hope I have to cling to... and cling I do - until the wave of fear or pain or uncertainty passes and I can once again step out onto the shaky ground that we are navigating.

overwhelmed, overly tired, over extened, and just plain over it!

What a way to ease my re-entry to this blog that I've missed so very much. I do think part of the unease I've felt over the past few months has been the absense of writing as a form of therapy. I let life circumstances get in the way of something that was truly helpful to me, and as I found out last weekend, to others.

Twice during last weekend I was asked why I stopped blogging. First was my sweet friend Laurie and the second was a stranger (at the time) that I ran into while having lunch out with the girls. Laurie was a teacher in Grace's kindergarten class and I instantly loved how she treated the children, how real she was, and that you could see her love for Jesus in just about everything she said or did. The kind of woman I wanted to be friends with... and though we both left the Christian School our paths continued to cross many times and I'm pleased to say that we are friends - and it really touched me that she continued to check in on me here...

The 2nd encounter was at a little mexican restaurant here in town. A lady approached our table and said hello to the girls (by name). I was SO worried about "forgetting" her name (I hate that) that it took me a moment to understand what she was saying...

"You don't know me - but I recognized your girls from your blog. Is everything ok?"

She went on to tell me that she had adopted an older boy from Guatemala and it was so helpful to her to read about the experiences I had and shared from our life with Ava. I really had no idea what to say to her. My writing here has always been as an outlet for me - I never thought for a minute that it would be helpful to anyone else. Knowing that it has been a help to someone (even just one person) has prompted me to get it back on my schedule and recommit myself to doing it.

In an effort to get you caught up on the life and times of the Murphy family - here's a recap of the past few months...

June/July/August - we spent the summer hanging out at home. For Ava's sake I had to take about a dozen (or perhaps few hundred dozen) steps back. I had to unplan my plans and just let her *be*.  It was hard for me, and even harder for Grace but I do think she understood why we had to do it.

September - we went to a really neat family camp for families impacted by HIV/AIDS called REACH. This was truly a turning point for all of us. There are no words to accurately explain what we got out of being together over the weekend and how it planted the tiny seed of healing in Ava.

We also started school in September. It was just as difficult being Ava's teacher as I remember. She's a smart kid but for whatever reason, she and I struggled in the teacher/student role. I prayed about this many, MANY times a day.

October - A pretty typical month. School, soccer, doctors, rinse, lather, repeat. After a particularly difficult few weeks I started the conversation with Jason about maybe finding a school for Ava to attend. It was only days later when the school pretty much presented itself. We visited and enrolled her the same day. It is a very small elementary school at the Seventh Day Adventist church here in town. There are only 10 children in the school - various ages from grade 1-grade 8. We just completed our 1st week and I can see, very clearly, that this was the right decision for everyone in the family.

It was not a decision that was easy for me to make. There were lots of tears, lots of second guessing, lots of confusion and doubt and insecurity but all of those feelings were put to rest after seeing the changes in both girls, and feeling the change in myself. I am happy to be *just* Ava's mom - rather than her mom and teacher. I can rest easy knowing that this is only a decision for *right now* - this doesn't mean she won't ever be homeschooled again. It doesn't mean she'll always attend this school... It only means that for now (this school year) she is a student at Whidbey Christian Elementary School and Grace and I will continue plugging away here at home.

On the horizon for our family...

Next month (December) Grace is turning 10. We are taking a much needed trip to New York over Grace's birthday and Christmas. To say that we are excited would be THE understatement of the year. Grace has her eyes on a birthday at the American Girl Store with a cake from Carlos' Bakery - and this mama (who can NOT believe her baby is going to be 10) is only happy to oblige... Over the course of the past year Grace has been the most understanding, mature, patient 9 year old I've ever known. She's had to take a back seat to so much over the year in order to make room for the things that Ava has needed. I'm not certain she'll ever know what her understanding has meant to me - and I wish that there was a way I could show her - but since that isn't even possible, making her 10th birthday absolutely magical is something I am looking forward to doing if only to let her know just how much we love her,  and how thankful we are that we've been trusted to love and cherish and raise her into the beautiful woman that I know she is going to be.

Am I lucky, or what?

So that's the 411 - and I am glad to be back in the proverbial saddle.

How the Iron Man triathalon changed a life...

I know, I know. I said I "was back" a month ago - and then, nothing... I've been waiting and living and digging out of the muck and the mire - walking through a few serious backward slides, a little more digging and now - here I am. Not at the top by a LONG shot - but I feel like I have a teeny-tiny foot-hold and am I praising God for that right here and right now, in the moment...

Today was HARD. It is day 5 without Grace (she's at Girl Scout camp) and a day past what turned out to be an amazing day for Ava (the next post). I think this morning it all just sort of blobbed up and overwhelmed Ava which means the inevitable melt-down and everything that goes along with it.

After things calmed down a bit I turned on the TV and let her just hang out on the couch. She doesn't know how to use the remote yet so she was stuck watching the Iron Man triathalon from 2007 while I took a shower.

I am not an athlete - even in the loosest sense of the world. Sure, I love to get out and kick the soccer ball around with the girls - and some times I'll even run {gasp!} while i'm playing with them but me watching the Iron Man voluntarily is as likely as you waking up as the Queen of England...

However... She was quiet, she was in control of herself, and I was desperate for some calm so I left it on and went about my business.

"Mom. That guy doesn't have any feet. Why he running."

"Because he wants to Ava."

"Why? I have no feet I no do anything."

I sat down to listen to some of their inspirational stories. The tales of the athletes who have faced serious adversity and came back better than ever. The man who was in a car accident leaving him completely paralized and begging for death. The man who lost his lower legs/feet in a car accident. The man with Lou Gehrig's disease, the woman with Cystic Fibrosis... I teared up a few times...

Camera pans to a man.

We watched him running for a while. Then they showed a picture of him, laying in a hospital bed. I figured there had been some kind of accident - but this photo was from a time when he was in the hospital dying from AIDS related infections.

Cue the music, start the water-works.

This man had, at one time, been close to death. Had he been in Ethiopia I would have nothing to write about now. Without question, he would be dead... But he wasn't in Ethiopia he was in the United States. He was fortunate enough to live in a place and time where the treatment options were limitless (as compared to what was available 20 years ago). The camera cuts  back to him running, coming closer to the finish line.

"Mom. That boy no have HIV."

"Ava - yes he does. He has HIV and was very close to dying."

"No. He no have HIV. HIV means you die. You no allowed to do things. You just die. No fun. He no have."

So we had the conversation about how in the US you can do ANYTHING you want. It doesn't matter if you are black or white, a man or a woman (boy or girl), if you have no legs or no arms or can't walk, even if you have HIV - you can do whatever it is that you want to do. In Ethiopia the future for a person infected with HIV is basically begging in the streets or working in the sex-trade. In the US the future for a person infected is  ONLY limited by what they can imagine.

Ava had tears in her eyes. I asked her what she was thinking.

She said, "In America boy with no legs can run a race. In Ethiopia boy with no legs sits all day and asks people for money and food. In America boy no move (paralized in car accident), doctors make him better and he runs a race. Here (in US) people with HIV allowed to run a race?"

Non only CAN THEY run a race but they can go to college, they can get married, have babies, become teachers or astronauts or doctors. They can play soccer, go to school, have a best friend, love and hate their sister. They can scuba dive, paint pictures, drive a car, and have an opinion. They can plant flowers, take pictures, go to summer camp and go swimming.

"Can I do those things too Mom?"

Ava - you can not only DO those things - I expect you to... There is NOTHING in this world (inside your body or out) that can contain you. You are a little girl who has the potential to do and be anything you want. Until today, until the race, these were only words that she heard. They meant nothing to her because she didn't understand them as truth but as something a mom just has to say to her kid.

She will NOT be held back. She will never, ever have to beg for money or food. She will NEVER be anything other than exactly what she wants to be. There are no preconceived notions, no slots for her to fit into, no holds barred.

Maybe today she'll believe that just a little bit more than yesterday...

And all it took was an accidental viewing of the 2007 Iron Man triathalon...

Maybe I'll jog to the mailbox in honor of the race :)